You Need To Let it Go

It wasn't the biggest story from the world of sports this week, (that would be the $765 million contract signed by Juan Soto with the New York Mets) but it was the one that dovetailed nicely with an important story at the beginning of this week's Torah reading of Parshat VaYishlach.

Returning to the land of Israel after 20 years of exile in Haran, Jacob must now prepare for his reunion with his brother Esau. A generation earlier, Jacob conspired to steal the unique blessing that normally would have been given to Esau, the eldest of Isaac and Rebecca's sons. When Esau learned of this trickery, he vowed to kill Jacob. That's why Jacob literally left the country. And now, after 20 difficult yet prosperous years, Jacob must return to the land of Israel. How would his brother greet him? Jacob certainly has reason to worry. But when the fateful encounter takes place, there is no violence. While it is unlikely they spent much time together after this encounter, each of them would move on with their lives.

The second biggest story in the world of sports this week was about a strange encounter between the NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre and Mark Gastineau, one of the outstanding defensive linemen of the 1980's, part of a fearsome foursome of New York Jets known as the New York Sack Exchange. At a football memorabilia event last year, Gastineau angrily confronted Favre over an incident that happened 23 years ago on the last day of the 2001 regular NFL season. Gastineau, who held the record for most sacks (tackling the quarterback of the opposing team behind the line of scrimmage) was bested in 2001 by Michael Strahan of the NY Giants, who was credited with sacking Brett Favre on the last play of the game. Currently, Strahan shares this record with T.J. Watt, who matched his 22.5 sacks in 2021.

Now the problem is that the sack that gave Strahan the record was a controversial call then, and remains so. It looks like Favre took a dive and then Strahan landed on top of him after Favre hit the ground. Some have contended that Favre did this to help Strahan break the record. And while Gastineau was exceedingly gracious to Michael Strahan when the record was broken, the circumstances that surrounded it obviously bothered him a great deal.

Fast forward 22 years. At that memorabilia event, Gastineau angrily confronted Favre , accusing him of robbing him of his record, and keeping him out of the Hall of Fame. He continued to berate him until security stepped between them.

I will leave it to NFL experts and commentators to speculate on Mark Gastineau’s football legacy, and whether he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. As a Jets fan, I certainly remember with great satisfaction the days when the Jets defense could strike fear in the hearts of the opposing team. I continue to hold out hope for future glory. But as a Rabbi, I am struck by Gastineau’s anger after all these years, and how he lashed out at Brett Favre when he had the chance.  He was wronged. Quite possibly, he was robbed of something both precious in terms of honor, and valuable in terms of success and money. He had been harboring that resentment for years. And if you take time to watch the videos that I have linked to this message, reasonably so. He was wronged. But sadly, he could not let it go.

The decades following his retirement have not gone particularly well. There were high profile divorces, estrangement from his children, trouble with the law and significant health concerns. While a star in the early 1980's, he is not invited to the high profile football fan events where people pay a great deal of money to chat with or get an autograph or photo with the great ones of the past. He has nursed that resentment for decades. What has it gotten him?

Esau too had reason for anger. The special privileges that normally would have been bestowed upon a first born son were taken from him. And there is no doubt that when he had heard about what Jacob had done, he would have made good on his threats if given the opportunity. But in the intervening years, something changed. He changed. He learned to let it go and by doing so was able to embrace the life that was left for him to live.

And so it is with us. There isn't a person reading this Shabbat message today who at some point in their life has not had to deal with the aftermath of some type of slight or injustice visited upon them. Whether large or small, whether yesterday or years ago, we remember them. They hurt. We may even fantasize of revenge or settling the score. But if we want to live a responsible adult life, we have no choice but to let them go.

There is a story from the Buddhist tradition of a master and his disciple who came to a ford of a river.  There, they saw a girl dressed in a flowing, silk dress, who couldn't figure out what to do since the river was so high. Without a second thought, one of the monks lifted her onto his back, carried her across the river and put her down on dry ground on the other side.

The monks continued on their way.  After two hours of walking in silence, the disciple couldn't stand it anymore.  He turned to the master and asked, "How could you carry that girl, when it's against our sacred vows to even touch a woman?"  The monk who had carried the girl across the river responded, "I set her down by the river two hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

Sadly, Marc Gastineau is still carrying his burden, and however justifiable, it has brought him neither resolution or results.  Esau put his anger and regret behind him.  Will you?